Journalists in Muscat

My loyal and valued readers.

I have been perusing those bastions of the free-press "The Week" and "Y!" magazine over the past fortnight, and while the sensational scoops contained within are of incontrovertible benefit to this ginormous conurbation, I wanted to particularly laud the indubitably staggering thesaurus skills of our sub-continental newshounds. 

That is why, without further ado, I am naming Saturday, 29th of October "International Write Like An Indian Journalist Day".

So let's waylay our readers with a plethora of Webster-sourced vocabulary. Who knows, maybe we will uncover a glut of penmen to further add to the existing hoard of wordsmiths downtown.

JD

40th Anniversary Greed

I was having a look at the Oman Forum earlier today and found one of the tons of rumours going around about what His Majesty is going to do during his 40th year of leadership.

Yes, almost forty years ago, His Majesty came to the throne and began to provide great things and a proper, stable future for the people of Oman.

That is what Omanis should be celebrating - His Majesty - and the incredible insight and vision he has, and how much has been gained by Omanis from that.

Not "What is HM going to give me for the 40th?" "I've heard a rumour that I am getting this....or that."

I've seen this so much since I got here: "Me, me, me!"

Driving, shopping, consuming, queuing and of course, handouts!

Sit back and have a long look at what HM has given you over the past forty years.

Security. Safety. Improved infrastructure. Healthcare to rival anything in the modern world. The opportunity to create personal wealth.

It sickens me that most of you still have this "cap in hand" - "the government should pay" mentality.

It is time for the handouts to stop! Some of you just do not deserve them!

Look at the subsidized electricity and water that you have.

Nobody says, "Thank you, I appreciate it and will endeavor to be conservative with its usage."

On the contrary - again we have the "we are entitled to it" attitude.

Lights all over the outside of villas, all lights on inside the house, spraying the garden with water to have plants that are not even indigenous to Oman....all paid for mostly by HM.

And look at how you squander it! The resources are already now at a low, thanks to your excesses and lack of forethought.

Get this....

HM owes you nothing. Nada! - and I have been told that he hates rumour-mongering, so if you really value the possibility that he may generously pay off loans for the over 50's, then you might want to stop rumouring it.

Also, I wonder how many Omanis under 50 will be transferring loans into the names of older relatives in the hopes of making a fast buck? Loads of you!

Grow up! - and stop being so disgustingly greedy!

Update: Omantel Unblocks Community Queer Blog

In the light of what I assume were numerous requests and protests from the blogging community, Omantel have unblocked gay community website "Community Queer".

Well done Omantel and the TRA. In this blogger's opinion, you have made a very brave and very important, intelligent decision.

Congratulations!

JD

I've Been A Naughty Boy....Ooooh!

Jet Driver went for a run the other day.

It was 38 degrees outside and naturally I wore shorts.

I also wore some other hi-tech, figure hugging Nike attire and in the midst of a rather "emotional" descent along one of the wadi treks, I came face to face with a brand new member of the ROP.

He was spotlessly turned out, shirt pressed and boots polished - a fine example of a young law-enforcement officer.

The conversation went a little bit like this:

"Hello mate! What's shakin'?"

"Why you errr...why you run?"

"To aid in cardio-vascular health and keep me looking fit and handsome amongst other things."

"I can see your knees and the backs of your legs!"

"Steady on sunshine. The Jet Driver only likes girls - young oriental ones to be precise!"

"What's this?" (Pointing at my chest)

"What's what?"

"This tube from your back."

"Ohhhh. That's water. It stops me from going into coronary arrest."

"You know Ramadan? You have shorts. This is not allowed."

"Oh.....ok.....sorry...and so.....what shall I do now? I'm 10 kilometres from my vehicle. You will take me to there?"

(A quick pow-wow with the notably senior officer in the jeep who had already seen the funny side to this and I suspect sent this poor newbie on a futile battle of wits.)

"You people! Crazy! (points at the sun) GO HOME! Relax! It's Ramadan!"

I love this place!

How To Run A Furniture Shop In Oman

Ok, I'm tired of flogging the dead horse that is Ramadan so, as an extension of Jamilla Camel's debacle with her new bed, let me give her and other newbies in Oman the rundown on the phenomenon that is "Deliveries" in this town.

The situation is a result of a few traits that can all be combined and summed up in one word....greed:

Source the cheapest Chinese shit-excuse for furniture that you can find and sell it on for ten times the price. 

Never mind if parts are missing...that's not your problem. You will never be facing the customer....ever.

Get the cheapest Indian, Pakistani or whatever to do the job - no qualifications needed.

When he gets here, reduce his salary even further with "deductions" for air ticket etc.

(This will do wonders for his morale.)

Take his passport away and inform him that he has no rights here in Oman.

(More morale building.)

Make sure that you choose floor-staff who have only basic English - they are cheaper to employ and when you drop their salaries and cheat them out of bonuses and days-off etc you can just claim that they did not understand you during the original negotiations and after all, they did sign a contract.

Put the fear of God, Shiva, Allah or whoever into your employees and further compound that cultural flexibility with the truth, so that no matter what the customer wants, they will tell you it is possible, because if it's not possible and the customer walks out the door, you will personally have them transferred to Salalah or some other far-off land as punishment, take a month's salary as compensation and refuse to pay their return flights home.

Your delivery team has to be made up of at least one Omani - this is the law. 

The work ethic is low to non-existent here (don't protest - you know it's true for the menial jobs and I have been here too long to take the wishy-washy crap that is the usual argument for not doing anything.).

Qualifying criteria for a local or "token" Omanisation statistic in a low-level services position appears to be the ability to fog a mirror.

Can't blame him on anything though because he was sitting in the truck all the time.

Work your Indian and Sri Lankan "carpenters" for at least twelve hours a day and then leave them in the squalid conditions that you call "accommodation" - four walls and a roof is NOT a job well done on your part. 

People need proper care and support (especially those who are away from family and friends through no fault of their own and no reason other than a messed up and corrupt economy back home - poverty like you have never seen, folks), proper furniture and facilities, air conditioning that works and when it doesn't you fix it THERE AND THEN and not when you can tear yourself away from your phone, the bar or the massage parlour. 

It doesn't matter that what you have provided is "better than he has at home" - you should be making a conscious human effort to far exceed what his standard of living is....he is making you a bloody fortune!

Gouges get taken out of headboards and scratches get ripped into chairs and tables because most of the time these guys are so tired, pissed-off and disheartened that they have simply lost the will to live and with the loss of primordial instinct that goes with that, you can expect a severe reduction in general competency, motivation and eye-hand co-ordination.

Dissent is bubbling under the surface. An employee rebellion could happen overnight and then what's going to happen? What would a "tools down" protest for a week achieve on the "copping on that you are at the mercy of the minority workforce - they just haven't realised it yet" front?

Have a look across the road in Qatar.

Outnumbered five to one.....can you imagine the carnage if it all kicked off over there?

This is Oman - things are not changing. This is how it is. You just have to roll with it.

I buy furniture, I collect it myself even if I have to rent a van to do it, and finally, I build it myself.

It keeps things under my control - and leaves my blood-pressure within limits.

I recommend you do the same.

However, that said, I still love this place to bits.

Here We Go Again!...

It is July in Oman and the silly season has begun again in earnest.

Vacations, leave of absence, "unofficial breaks", problems at home, funerals, births, weddings.....all on the increase as per the time of the year.

You want to get something done within the next ten days - forget it.

Work in a government department and want it all done this week........errrrr: not happening, boss!

July: Vacations, religious holiday, Rennaisance Day, more leave, days off....

August: Preparation for Rammers, a quick block of leave, then the start of the fast....

(I will leave talking about the massive slow down at work and the murderous sin of driving a car in a hunger and fatigue induced stupor while racing to get home for Iftar, for later.)

September: EID! Yaaaaaaay! Another week off and then a week's leave to recover from leave, then talk about what you did during Eid and then chat about your vacation afterwards and then.......

October: MORE DAYS OFF! Wooo Hooooo!!!!!

November: Armed Force's Day! YES!.....and HM's birthday!.....side by side days off! Oh, forget it, just write off the whole week!

December: OK folks....time to start preparing for the three-month productivity season!

I love it here! - Bring it on, folks!

Being Cool at the Café

Jet Driver is still noticing this on his regular drives around the hippest joints in Muscat: Shatti, MQ and City Centre.

Guys.....you have to get a grip on this one, especially if you want to impress the chicks.

You've got the freshly pressed dishdasha with the customised trim around the sleeves and down the front to match your headgear - you look the part. 

The Porsche Cayenne is parked on the curb outside: ain't no sense in using a parking space because the fine is only 3 rats, but yet - you still insist on buying a takeaway coffee and using a seat.......why?

Seats outside are for folks who pay a surcharge for seats. If you want to roll with your latté then go ahead and do so, but if you wanna sit and chill with it homie, then ya needs to pay for da mug!

All to save a hundred baisa? FFS!

Shape Problems In Muscat

All around the world, there are clever little devices for controlling the flow of traffic crossing junctions, rather then having to invest large amounts of money in traffic light systems which need constant monitoring and maintenance - you just build this thing, and you go. Nothing to worry about - except, as far as I can see, in Muscat where you get to spend more money cleaning up the car wrecks instead of mending traffic signals.

They are called roundabouts, with logic dictating that they should be "round", however here in Muscat, a lot of our major ones are "oval" or if you were to track the movements of my steering wheel, sort of "splash or puddle" shaped things.

They are lethal. In Europe, you go on the roundabout (and it is round - they have instruments to measure that), you track the car in front and you lock the steering wheel to follow the curve and you exit.

Here, you take your eyes off the curve for even a second, and you are either in the wrong lane, or doing car-rolls into the flyover support at Lulu's (which is by far Muscat's most prominent ovalabout).

Please get them fixed. I see that you are replacing all of the ovalabouts on the coast road and at Qurum........well done!

Oops, I did it again.....

.....I crashed into the barrier, now what will I do?.......

Oh yes indeed, there has been another collision at the "safety" barrier outside Carrefour - but this time, the amazing forethought of the designers was brought into play as the vehicle in question only hit the first "Warning" barrier, which still happened to be made of heavy grade steel and did just an efficient job of thrashing the cab of the vehicle in question.

The next question I have now is......are these barriers legal? Who puts them up? Is it Carrefour? is it Muscat Municipality Road Section or whatever they are called? Is it really the truck driver's fault for slamming into an unexpected  mini-steel bridge while still technically on the road to Carrefour?

Here's my solution. If you look at the total cost of the barrier, versus say, the 60 rats a month that they pay one of the Kalhat "Boys in Blue", then I reckon a flag waving wee man from the Sub Continent would do a far better job of policing the strip than a silent but potentially deadly red and white steel RSJ through the cab of some poor bastard's truck.

We're Running Out Of Petrol!

Oh....my......Gawwwwwd!

Just had a look at this:

http://archive.gulfnews.com/articles/09/03/23/10297494.html

More UD's type of thing, but......should I go and fill up the car?

Dubai: Oman has shut its 116,000 barrel per day (bpd) Sohar refinery for unplanned maintenance because of a technical fault at its gasoline-making unit, trade sources said on Sunday.

The 75,200 bpd gasoline-making residual fluid catalytic cracker (RFCC) went down sometime last week, which led to the shutdown of the refinery, traders said.

"We don't really know what the problem was," a Middle East-based trader said.

"It should be down for at least another two weeks, maybe longer, although in the best case it comes back online at the end of the month," the trader said.

Refinery officials were not immediately available for comment.

Traders said they expected to see Oman issue an import tender if the refinery does not come back online by the end of the week.

Oman typically imports 95-octane gasoline and even 92-octane gasoline.

Asia's gasoline reforming margin or the premium of a barrel of 92-octane grade fetches over Asian naphtha prices, rose for four-straight sessions last week, closing at $9.76 on Sunday -- the highest since February 24.

Traders were also expecting to see Oman issue a sell tender for at least 200,000 tonnes of straight-run fuel oil, which is the primary feedstock for the Sohar refinery's gasoline cracking unit.

"That fuel oil will likely get picked up for blending and will move either to Fujairah or Singapore, but more likely to go to Fujairah," a fuel oil trader said.

Blue City And "Those" Comments

While Undercover Dragon is well capable of banging people on the head with his own stick, I feel compelled to bang some of the same heads with mine!

Anonymous comments are fair enough but it is what has been said which caused me to sit up and have a think about things. 

One comment stated that there was too much negativity on the Muscat Confidential blog. They obviously haven't had a chance to read my one! 

Another talked about guns and gays.....and the fact is, my friends, that there's a lot of that going on in Oman and logic states that it will eventually get talked about. 

Now, time for a few facts. 

Oman is stocked full of bad news, negativity, cloak and dagger affairs, skullduggery, corruption, denial, stupidity, ignorance, laziness and racism. 

And if you go next door to the UAE - you will find the same. And Saudi. And Turkey. And Greece, Spain, France, the UK, the USA, the Philippines......you get the picture?

I can't speak for UD, but my blog aimed to bring to light all of the crap that I saw when I lived in Oman, because contrary to the newspapers and tourist bumpf and the radio and the television - all is not fucking well in Oman. 

Human rights violations: All over the place. Ask any housemaid who's been raped by her "owner". Go and have a chat with the Indians that "live" in the wooden huts by the side of the mansion that they are building. 

Driving: More deaths on the roads last year than probably soldiers killed in a war somewhere. 

The numbers in the paper? Just the men! What about the women and kids....do they not matter?

Corruption: Bastard landlords who have been told by HM that they cannot raise rents by more than, what is it?, 7%.....now moving people out of their homes because their "sons" are moving in. Bollocks! Paint the place and double the rent - and who's going to reprimand them? Correct! - No one! 

Tourism: Don't even get me started. All one has to do is look back over the past few months for that one. The GCC Conference. FFS! Two days of havoc and for what? A few photographs in the papers with leaders sitting five feet apart from one another. 

Throw the visitors out of the hotels - we meant them to come next year!

Property market: Down the tubes. Sure, there's the recession, but what about the greed and the lies and the shoddy workmanship and the danger? Building inspectors? Hmmm? Will it fall down? Probably! 

Look at The Wave......what's that big thing on the coast? A what? A PUMP? It drains the water off.....and then it gets pumped back out again.....and what happens if it breaks? 

Oh, and yeah sorry....but ehhhhhhh your house is twenty-four inches narrower than we said it would be! 

Anonymous posters: Head out of the sand please. You're a pain in the ass. 

Oman is a great place in some ways - but like the rest of the world, it is faaaaaaar from perfect!

Update From Afar

Oh, what a glorious few weeks it has been! 

Some sunshine, some snow and most of all - lots of well-earned rest and recuperation! 

It's nice to be able to go out in the car again, and not have to safety brief everyone for possible high-speed impacts from the side or even from above. 

The man in the electrical store said that my new washing machine would arrive on Friday at 4pm and.......it arrived on Friday at 4pm!

There were really strange lines of people at the tills in Starbucks. I had almost forgotten what those things were. Quiet rows of people waiting for coffees, with the only shouting coming from the baristas. 

What's this? Twenty seconds to make a withdrawal from an ATM? Is that really possible? Where am I? Beep beep, passcode. Beep beep, enter amount. Beep beep, walk away from the machine! No phone calls, no head-cocking, no stopping to send a text or answer the phone....financial bliss! 

Car seats! Everybody has one! And no-one has a nylon tattoo! Lots of real ones though! 

But wait.....what's this?

Petrol is HOW MUCH? But ........seventy? SEVENTY? What?

I feel a real level of danger emanating from the six teenagers walking down the street towards me. Could they be looking for trouble? The one on the far right definitely looks like he is. 

I have to lock the car every time I get out of it now. And I have to make sure that I park it in an area where I will find it with all windows intact when I get back. 

No-one is saying hello to each other in the street. Where have all the smiles gone?

I hear a police siren at least once an hour. What could possibly be making the cops more busy?

Swings and roundabouts. Where shall I go next?

Wannabe Gangstas!

What in the name of all that is normal, is going on with Omani kids?

Went to City Centre last night for a coffee, as I thought that because of the football (yawwwwwwwwwwwwn), that the place would be empty - and it was! 

It was, that is, except for a more than average turn out of the posses from Mawalah, Ghubra and North & South Al-Hail y'all! Big shout out to all ma homies there!

Now, I know that I have blogged on this before, with the tattoo tights and the "Boyz From Da Wadi" stuff, but trust me.....I know about wannabe gangstas - and this is not it. 

This is just like some kind of weirdo circus! 

"Mall gangs" are going around City Centre all wearing the same outfits. 

That's not Gangsta! That's just retarded.

Trilby Hats and plastic gem-encrusted hairbands are not Gangsta either. 

And neither are shiny-spangle belts or mirror-tiled baseball caps. Retarded!

And the muppets who are driving around with the top down, blasting 50-Cent, Coolio and Snoop Dog, need to realise that those "artists" are talking about killing you! 

"Wannabe Gangstahhh, put yo head in fronah ma windah, I'll pop a nine-mill in yo eyebahhhl!"

Guys, you are not black. You are not gangsta. You are not hip, trendy or fly homies. You are not "all that". And you have no bitches, dawgs! 

Undercover Dragon has a terrific idea for a reality TV show: 

Take a group of hard-ass, Mac 11-toting niggas from Compton or West Side. 

Put them on a Lear Jet and fly them all around the world, stopping in places like Oman and the UAE, and let them observe the wannabes in action. 

They then get to choose one group and bring them back to "da hood" for a month to meet the home-boys. 

Some of whom, remember, have served in the Marines or lost those close to them in IEDs and attacks in Iraq and Afghanistan and are not educated enough to filter past the religion and what they have seen and heard in the media - no holds barred. 

Once they get there - they is on their own! 

And because "dey is cool A-rab niggas, yeah?" they'll be as safe as houses and welcomed like bruthas........right? Won't they?

Mom? MOM!!!!!

Rescue On Oman's High Seas

Congratulations to Oman's Coastguard on a job well done, having saved the lives of around 16 people on a dive trip, when their boat sank off the Daymaniyat Islands. 

Apparently, the dive group, including the Russian Ambassador's wife and son, were in a fishing/diving boat with ten other divers, boat crew and diving cylinders, when it sank and 

it was only after people started to be reported missing, that the situation was discovered due to the vessel not having any means of calling for assistance - no radios or distress beacons etc.

Details are still a bit sketchy, however, it would appear that the dive trip, run by a local company called "Ocean Divers", used a vessel that was overloaded, not suitable for the trip, lacked proper licences or permits and, as previously mentioned, had no means of summoning for help, leaving the group stranded in the sea for more than 24 hours, with some members in the water for 36 hours before the coastguard was able to retrieve them, due to bad visibility and drifting.

According to sources, the owner of "Ocean Divers" who was in charge of the boat, was met on the shoreline by an imaginably concerned Russian Ambassador, accompanied by the Head of the Royal Oman Police. 

I am assuming the proverbial is going to hit the fan for this, and rightly so. Rumours are circulating that the owner is in custody, although he may have been released at this stage.

Standards for some dive centres and adventure tour providers in Oman need to be seriously addressed, as it is nothing short of a miracle that this event resulted in no loss of life. 

Once again, well done to the Oman Coastguard on a very successful outcome to what could have been a disastrous event. 

You did a brilliant job under very difficult conditions and you should be very proud of yourselves.

Merry Christmas To All

One of the major advantages of living here, is the total lack of stress around the Yuletide celebrations. 

I am sitting here with fresh juice and a laptop, with none of the historical jumping out of bed to brave the Christmas Eve rush for food and present shopping, content in the fact that I could even go to Carrefour at 8am on Christmas morning if I forgot anyone. 

The Alternative Christmas: a trip into the mountains or a trip to the beach with a picnic lunch, or the traditional turkey and ham with friends and family. The totally unpressured choice is up to you.

Merry Christmas to one and all from Mr & Mrs Jet Driver!

You have our best wishes for a wonderful, stress-free day. 

McDonald's Around The World

It's great how the comments of others can inspire one to write an unexpected blog.

Amjad posted in his blog the following:

"I don't like McDonald's in the US. It tastes completely different than the Middle East." 

He is correct! I have travelled the world over and can agree that no two countries can produce the same Big Mac.

But hey ho - it doesn't stop there. There are ups and downs in relation to the above. A sort of ying-yang trade off. 

New York: 

"Hello sir. Welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?" - Mediocre food. Presentation just average.

Muscat: 

"Yes. What do you want?" - Pretty good burgers but presentation is crap.

Extremes of service and food quality, spiraling around the world, the zen and tao of fast food! 

All clambering for supremacy and then finally the silence......perfection, calm and harmonious balance - but where?

Tokyo: 

"Hello and welcome and thank you so much for coming to visit us here at McDonald's, please have a look at this menu card in front of you, where you will find a full selection of items for your choosing!" - Burgers and fries taste fantastic! Layout on tray must have been measured with a calipers. "Is that Big Mac real?" - and then they BOW TO ME! I love it!

Get on a plane, go to Japan and see how it should be done!

Situations Vacant

Having read Undercover Dragon's latest on the pink pound. Why has someone not developed a portal for the local community here? Because there is one - deny it or not - it is there and it is LOCAL, not just expat.

Surely only by gradual exposure will one have the arrival of "mainstream"?

An IT-savvy editor with a VPN, some moderators and a handful of the city's social networking gurus. 

It could have advice columns, classified ads and that all important social calendar.

Would probably get blocked by the powers that be. But, where there's a will....

Any takers?

Babies, Cars & Kinetic Physics

I have been thinking of writing this for a while, and the fact that it has been raining made me decide to expedite the process. 

I know that all of my expat readers have seen one of these before, but I wanted to draw them to the attention of local drivers. 

This is a child's car seat. It is not a toy. It is a safety device, that is designed to prevent your kid from becoming a flying death machine when you or someone else, does one of your usual and utterly astonishing road maneuvers. 

Now, I know that cultural awareness and tolerance is spoken about widely in the papers and on a lot of the blogs here - and while I fully respect the religious beliefs of my hosts, there has to come a time when you need to be practical. 

Picture the scene. This morning - coming out of Seeb and onto the highway, I am driving behind a late model Mercedes, and in the back, I see the beautiful smiling faces of three local children. Two girls and one boy - all between three and five years old. 

Dad hits the brakes as another muppet slices across two lanes of traffic, and the kids disappear, only to resurface again albeit in a different order - grinning and waving.

I just don't know how parents can allow this situation to occur. 

Time for a crash course in Physics:

The force of gravity upon you means that right now, you are experiencing what we call 1G - or one times the force of gravity. 

When you accelerate or decelerate, you experience different levels of G. 

For example, when I make a tight turn at work at high speed, I can experience about 6G sometimes more. 

As well as being uncomfortable, it also has an effect on my body's perceived mass. 

If my head weighs 10kg - this means that in a 6G turn, it now feels like it weighs 60kg. 

During a rapid deceleration, I can experience "negative G' which will try to pull me out of the seat. 

If I wasn't very securely strapped in, I would quite literally be minced after I disappeared through the instrument panel.

The same thing goes for your children. 

In a 120 kph crash, the deceleration factor can make the average child without proper restraints, pass through the car interior with the force of an elephant.

And if it happens, there is no prayer in the world that will save them.

A flying child with that much kinetic energy, has several options: 

They can, if you are lucky, go through the windscreen, killing only themselves.

Or, if your vehicle gets hit at an angle, the child can bounce around the inside of the cab, killing everyone. 

Put three kids in the car - and you triple your chances of instant death for all. 

Think that it can't happen to you? Think again.

I get the feeling that it happens here a lot. 

What stuns me is that, as far as I know, there is only one retailer that sells these seats in this country - Baby Shop in the Centrepoint chain.

This is absolutely outrageous!

THE USE OF CHILD CAR SEATS SHOULD BE LAW IN OMAN - Take that to the Ministries. 

Get it sorted. Now!

Food For Thought

A recent post by Muscato, brought back the following memory for me:

"Hi, sir"

"Hello, young man. How are you?"

"Fine, sir. Very fine." 

"Great! Urrmmmm....Can I have the fried chicken strips with some baked beans and "chunky" fries?"

"And for drink?"

"A Diet Coke please." 

"Ok, so chicken strips with beans and chunky fries....and a Diet Coke?"

"Yep. That's it. And can you put the beans onto the same plate and not on a saucer like you did the last time?"

"Of course, sir. No problem."

"Thanks"

....................................

"Errrr, no. A DIET Coke, mate."

"Sorry - Diet Coke, yes?"

"Yes. Thank you."

....................................

"What's this?"

"Mashed potato, sir." 

"Well what's it doing there? I ordered Chunky Fries."

"Ahhh, yes. French Fries. Ok. Sorry."

"No. Stop. Wait and listen. Chunky Fries - not French Fries. Ok?"

"Yes. Ok. Sorry, sir."

.........................

"Your Chicken Strips with French Fries, sir."

"Jesus! I ord......oh, fine. Great. Thanks. Beans?"

"Coming, sir." 

"Didn't I ask you to put.....oh, nevermind! Is there any chance you could bring me the Diet Coke before one of us gets hurt?"

"Yes, sir. Diet Coke, yes?"

................................

Nowadays, I have to be absolutely desperate for food - and I am talking on the verge of delirium - before I will step foot in that place anymore. 

I'm sure you can work out where it is. 

Tables, Chairs and Foodcourts

Hello darlings! 

JetDriver has returned from the "dark place" - where computers and mobile phones are not allowed - nor are microwave ovens! :)

Nice to come back to the eclectic spread of blogs and rants - gives me an hour's entertainment on an otherwise mundane Thursday. 

National holidays eh? According to colleagues, our Omani staff got struck down with illness on Saturday and Sunday, and then a funeral in Salalah on Monday - terribly unfortunate for them. 

Anyway......

What the fuck is wrong with people who walk into Costas, Starbucks or wherever, sit down, take out the phone and open the paper and sit there......WITHOUT ORDERING SOMETHING?! 

And then look at you like you're mental when you ask if they are going to move, because you have actually paid to use the table.

Does this place want me to write "A Guidebook To Civilised Consumerism" ?

If you want to have the shopping malls and the bookstores and the boutiques; and you want the visitors and the tourist-money and the positive international press - you have to start learning how to behave properly. 

Here's the basics:

It's a queue - a line. Wait your fucking turn!

Folks. Pay attention. It's a 4x4, it's real and if you walk out in front of it, pretending not to see me in the car-park, it's going to hurt - really hurt! 

Gentlemen. You are going to get punched and it is going to happen sooner than you think. 

Tourism is on the up. 

More couples are visiting, ergo, you have a higher, almost imminent chance of having your teeth smashed in for leering. 

Also, most tourists are in better shape than you (even the girls), so that punch is going to have a lasting memory for you! Stop gawking!

(And just to add to this, boys: If you touch, you're in serious trouble. I mean it! 

To the guy who rubbed himself against my girlfriend in MCC last month......someday mate, she will see you again, and she will point, and I will put you in traction. You have my word.)

As for the person who stopped his Yukon at the entrance to Carrefour and waited for his wife and housemaid to come out with two trolleys and then proceed to load it all up, while the line of drivers behind you were going apoplectic - not cricket, old chap.

Hacking up your lungs at the table next to mine in the Foodcourt ..... just don't, ok? Don't.

Get your laptop, go to Google and look up "Common Courtesy" and "Manners" - and while you're at it....."Sexual Harrassment" and "Having your jaw wired".

End of rant. It's great to be back!