Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Airport Security

After a rather "emotional" flight in which the aircraft became schizophrenic, and then succeeded in accomplishing the near impossible task of scaring the living shit out of Jet Driver not once but five times, we elected to divert to the wonderful city of culture and high social evolution that is Manchester in the United Kingdom.

Ever feel completely out of place in your Lacoste shirt and Dockers trousers? Surrounded by Burberry-clad wankers in puffa jackets adorned with faux fur and cubic zirconium, side-kicked by greasy ringlet-haired life drop-outs wheeling two-year olds in a buggy that looks like something from space, while screaming obscenities into a mobile phone with more luminous strobes on it than an eighties disco.

It got better at the airport on the return journey. Go to security. "Make way ladies and gentlemen" said the guard, "aircrew coming through."
The usual Red Sea parting but I give a courtesy yield to the Airport Police Officer who is coming through to begin his shift.

He was sporting the following:
A pair of black police overalls.
A black baseball cap with "Police" written on it.
A bullet-proof vest and both shoulder and knee protectors.
An automatic weapon.
A pistol.
A telescopic baton.
A tin of pepper spray.
A couple of MagLites.
Various webbing pouches containing a first aid kit and a Leatherman tool.
And he's carrying a small plastic "Marks & Spencers" bag.

He walks around the security cordon, as he is wont to do.
"Uhmmmmm excuse me, sir." says the pre-pubescent, acne-covered "security agent" at the counter "You can't take that with you."

"I'm sorry. What?" says the copper.

"The banana and the bottle of water sir....leave it here please. Now. Quickly. I have passengers to deal with."

Cop replies with: "Have you got a supervisor mate? You know...someone who looks after you and makes sure you can find the bus home? Or better still....where are your parents? Does your Dad know you're here?", and plonked both banana and water into said moron's hands, while at the same time towering menacingly over him in a way that only heavily-armed police officers can.

Whoops and cheers from crew and passengers alike.
What the fuck is happening at your airports UK?
What indeed is happening to your entire country?
People.....stand up and stop this crap from happening.


James said...

I am sorry to say that it all happened a long time ago. What we are seeing now are the fruits of the politically correct crowds labour. the whole place has gone down the plug hole.
All the same LMAO at that one :o)

Suburban said...


Great story, Masterfully written.

But Darling, I'm not entirely sure anyone who wears Lacoste shirts and Dockers trousers simultaneously is permitted to pass judgement towards other fashion victims, no matter how deserving they are.

More posts, please! And what happened with your plane?


Jet Driver said...

Suburban - baby....

Dockers and a Lacoste apologies - I should have clarified that!

Mwah! :)


fred_says said...

you rahrah!

anyway - I want to know more about what happened with your plane!

Anonymous said...

I might catch some flack for this, but the UK is now worse than the US when it comes to terrorism hysteria.

Whoever thought that the US of A would ever be trumped in this department eh?

-Omani in US

Anonymous said...

Arrived NCL after a stopover in DBX with multiple cancelled residence visas in a non-UK passport from non-western countries with two children in tow who have UK passports! Conversation went approx. "And you have a return ticket madam? And your husband is where? And you'll be staying where?" Left him looking a bit out of his depth and confused!
...what a wonderful world... Now having said all of this, I think an agent at any US airport would have been even more flummoxed and much less likely to be polite!

Anonymous said...

Dockers and a Lacoste polo? How stereotypically American preppy! A case of the pot calling the frying pan black here, methinks!

Jet Driver said...

It's kettle. KETTLE!!!!


desertman said...

That depends upon where you come from. it's always been the pot and the frying pan around my way....